B. Monkey

The absolute worst fictional archetypes is the sad sack author substitute. This creature, existing only within the realm of fiction, is a creative and wonderful soul who is trapped in an improbably dull life. Living out the fantasy of the terrible, frustrated, unpublished novelist, he (and it is ALWAYS a he, female writers seem strangely immune to this) suddenly meets exciting and interesting and improbably good looking people, and becomes that beautiful flower they always were.

In short, you are stuck in the middle of the author's crappy wankfest.

The main character in this wankfest is some idiot named Alan, played by Jared Harris. He's a hopelessly dull teacher, until he meets the improbably sexy robbery enthusiast B. Monkey, played by the improbably sexy Asia Argento. They strike up an unconventional relationship, the fellas get to see Argento's boobs, the ladies get to see Harris' improbably pale buttocks, and I don't give a crap.

Alright authors of the world, here's the problem. Nobody wants to see your fantasies. Interesting and sexy girls aren't going to suddenly become interested in you and save you from your dull life, and I certainly don't want to see any more movies based on your crap fantasies.

Quit feeling so bloody sorry for yourself and your dull life. Quit hoping some beautiful girl will whisk you away from your dull life and make you less of a milquetoast. Quit acting like you're sooooo misunderstood and such a precious flower waiting for someone to realize it. I don't give a crap, and the only people who do give a crap are other dull, ineffectual writers who share the same fantasies and write the same goddamn stories and make the same goddamn movies.

B. Monkey is given this special rant because I got sick of it within 20 minutes. The only thing that keeps me watching is that maybe, somehow, something interesting will happen. There are some movies that I can't really get behind that will nonetheless have a great late movie moment that somehow redeems it. Take 28 Days Later, not a huge fan but I can certainly get behind the climax. Take Foreign Land, the 10th best movie ever made, which starts as a low fi indie mope fest and turns into a fairly awesome caper seamlessly.

Here's the thing with Foreign Land, the characters don't wait for someone to save them, they decide to quit moping and scam some fat guy. And it's awesome. In this, nobody does anything for themselves, and when they insist they could handle things on their own, they're clearly lying. They're all completely hopeless, worthless, and useless.

Screw this movie, and everyone behind it.

Tomorrow We Move

Sometimes in a movie, there's a scene where you know that you've made a massive mistake, and the film is going to be an unbearable waste of time. So, several minutes into Tomorrow We Move, when a character has a tearful monologue about how her deceased husband loved chicken, I knew this was going to be a long haul. At fifteen minutes, I was already sick of the characters and their annoying problems. I didn't turn the movie off though, as much as I wanted to. No, I kept watching, for you, my loyal readers.

It's French, and I think it's supposed to be a comedy. There's a scene where a man talks about an apartment, and he phrases it so he could be talking about himself! Oh, that's comedy! It's about a woman whose mother (I can't be bothered to look up their names) has moved in with her. She then meets an old man (mentioned above) who shows her the aforementioned apartment, which apparently smells bad. Then a bunch of other wacky characters show up at an apartment showing. Hijinx fail to ensue.

Honestly, the first rule of good storytelling is that people have to care about the characters, and you have to care about their problems. In this, the problems were minor, and the characters uninteresting. But the movie kept happening anyway, plodding through its dull story and apparently attempting to be funny, without actually being all that amusing.

And then, just when you think it can't get any worse, it piles on the noise. Music is playing constantly, often under the dialog. Then everyone argues and shouts or something else discordant happens. It's like the film was a challenge, like the director said "yeah, you think this thing is grating now, wait until you see what ELSE I can do!"

It's grating, and it thinks it's funny when it really isn't. You don't want to watch it, and the only reason I did was for the sake of my internet critic cred. So, are there any high points? Well, the lead actress is fairly charming in spite of the void of a character she's portraying. I can see her being very good in a better film. Oh, and I accidentally set it to speed up slightly at one point, and that made it end sooner.

Yeah, the movie isn't very good, and you shouldn't watch it. Truth be told, I shouldn't have watched it either, but I did. Oh, the trials of being an internet film critic.