Friday, June 19, 2009

B. Monkey

The absolute worst fictional archetypes is the sad sack author substitute. This creature, existing only within the realm of fiction, is a creative and wonderful soul who is trapped in an improbably dull life. Living out the fantasy of the terrible, frustrated, unpublished novelist, he (and it is ALWAYS a he, female writers seem strangely immune to this) suddenly meets exciting and interesting and improbably good looking people, and becomes that beautiful flower they always were.

In short, you are stuck in the middle of the author's crappy wankfest.

The main character in this wankfest is some idiot named Alan, played by Jared Harris. He's a hopelessly dull teacher, until he meets the improbably sexy robbery enthusiast B. Monkey, played by the improbably sexy Asia Argento. They strike up an unconventional relationship, the fellas get to see Argento's boobs, the ladies get to see Harris' improbably pale buttocks, and I don't give a crap.

Alright authors of the world, here's the problem. Nobody wants to see your fantasies. Interesting and sexy girls aren't going to suddenly become interested in you and save you from your dull life, and I certainly don't want to see any more movies based on your crap fantasies.

Quit feeling so bloody sorry for yourself and your dull life. Quit hoping some beautiful girl will whisk you away from your dull life and make you less of a milquetoast. Quit acting like you're sooooo misunderstood and such a precious flower waiting for someone to realize it. I don't give a crap, and the only people who do give a crap are other dull, ineffectual writers who share the same fantasies and write the same goddamn stories and make the same goddamn movies.

B. Monkey is given this special rant because I got sick of it within 20 minutes. The only thing that keeps me watching is that maybe, somehow, something interesting will happen. There are some movies that I can't really get behind that will nonetheless have a great late movie moment that somehow redeems it. Take 28 Days Later, not a huge fan but I can certainly get behind the climax. Take Foreign Land, the 10th best movie ever made, which starts as a low fi indie mope fest and turns into a fairly awesome caper seamlessly.

Here's the thing with Foreign Land, the characters don't wait for someone to save them, they decide to quit moping and scam some fat guy. And it's awesome. In this, nobody does anything for themselves, and when they insist they could handle things on their own, they're clearly lying. They're all completely hopeless, worthless, and useless.

Screw this movie, and everyone behind it.

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